


Already Home

by All_For_Sherlock



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Battle, Combat, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e04 The Break Up, Eventual Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Eventual Smut, Flashbacks, Fluff, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Military!Blaine, Minor Character Death, Near Future, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, SOLDIER - Freeform, Sexual Content, Violence, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-09-09 12:51:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8891464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/All_For_Sherlock/pseuds/All_For_Sherlock
Summary: When Blaine returns from war, he has absolutely no one to turn to except his ex-boyfriend, Kurt. He tries to get used to the big city of New York whilst struggling with severe PTSD, an injury and his undying love for Kurt who, unfortunately for him, is happy in a long term relationship. Will it all get too much?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> A/N - So, this is one of the first fanfictions that I've ever written so please don't send hate. Feedback, however, is highly appreciated. I will try to update every Sunday and Wednesday. I promise I will do everything I can to stick to this schedule. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee but I'm merely borrowing the two wonderful boys and some other characters.
> 
> Warnings: War (flashbacks, memories), panic attacks, anxiety disorder, PTSD, graphic descriptions of violence, sexual content. (Yes, I like to torture Blaine a lot). 
> 
> Enjoy the story, vote, comment if you like it, thank you!

** Already Home **

 

_If only New York wasn't so far away_

_I will be there every step of the way_

_And when you're scared and alone_

_Just know that I'm already home_

_-A Great Big World – Already Home_

**Prologue**

_Read between the lines_

_Of what's fucked up and everything's alright_

_Check my vital signs_

_To know I'm still alive and I walk alone_

_-Green Day – Boulevard of Broken Dreams_

What was he doing here?

He asked himself that for the millionth time as he walked through the New York airport. There was nothing here for him. Nothing familiar, nothing that he knew. There was no one here for him. No one that cared or loved him.

Hundreds of people passed him, some stared, others didn’t even spare a glance. Someone bumped into him, in a rush, making him hiss in pain as they jarred his shoulder, and ran away with a dismissive ‘sorry’. He didn’t understand the guy. If it were him that bumped into someone wearing a military uniform, he would feel guilt eating him alive. But he supposed he didn’t look like someone that should be respected.

He felt sweat running down his face, felt his messy curls sticking to his forehead as he walked, not knowing where to. His uniform wasn’t the best thing to wear in summer. Even though the airport was air conditioned, he still felt hot, suffocated.

The bag on his shoulders weighed him down, even though there was almost nothing in it. Nothing that would help him survive for long if he did end up being homeless on the streets of this huge, busy city. He had money with him. But it was nowhere near enough to rent an apartment or book a motel room.

Maybe coming here wasn’t such a good idea after all…

But this was the first place that he could think of after Ohio, and there was no way in hell that he would be returning to that state anytime soon. After all, there was no more for him there than there was here.

He didn’t know whether the airport was so huge or he was just walking in circles but he couldn’t seem to locate an exit. Or maybe perhaps he just wasn’t looking for one until now. All he knew is that he wanted to get out of that building.

He knew that he couldn’t just keep walking without knowing where he was going. He needed to think of something. Something that would help him find his place in this city. That is if he had one.

He looked around. Looked for something that would give him a clue as to what to do next. He looked at the people around him. And he realized that most of them were looking at the device in their hands or holding it to their ear. He didn’t have a phone but he could ask for one. There was only one little problem. He had no one to call. Neither did he know any phone numbers.

But that was a lie. He knew one. One phone number that he learned in the first few days that he got it. The phone number that was on his speed dial when he was 17. The phone number that was owned by the most important person in his life. His first and only true love.

He knew that the boy that used to kiss him with everything he had probably wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Did the boy even remember him? Only one way to find out.

He walked up to a guy, who was sitting in one of the white airport chairs. As he was standing behind him, he saw that the guy was only playing a stupid game on his phone and not actually doing anything important.

“Excuse me.” He said which made the male look up at him with one eyebrow raised. When he saw him, however, his face turned serious and he sat a bit straighter in the chair. “May I please use your phone to call my… umm…friend.” How was he supposed to refer to the boy that was his ex-boyfriend whom he hadn’t talked to in the past four years?

“Sure, yeah. Go ahead.” He didn’t know if this guy was afraid of him because of his uniform or if he genuinely wanted to be nice. He didn’t question it however and just took the offered phone that already had the page open, prepared for him to type in the number. And type he did, pressing one number after the other with unpractised finger motions. He hadn’t held a phone in so long, especially one with a touch screen.

He sat next to the guy that was generous enough to offer him the phone, so he wouldn’t think he had any intentions what so ever of stealing and the boy turned away from him, to give him at least some privacy, he presumed. He stared down at the phone for a few seconds, finger hovering over the green phone icon, the number already typed in the box above. He took a deep breath before pressing the icon and brought the phone to his ear.

After three beeps he heard it. He heard the voice that made his heart speed up every time and stopped breathing. “Hello, who is this?”

“Kurt?” He said, voice catching in his throat from the overflow of emotions that the boy on the other line brought to him every time he spoke.

“Blaine?”


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post this earlier to see if you like the chapter and if i should continue writing this. :)

**Chapter 1**

_You're so beautiful_

_But that's not why I love you_

_I'm not sure you know_

_That the reason I love you is you_

_Being you_

_Just you_

_-Avril Lavigne – I Love You_

“Hey,” Blaine said dumbly after he got over the shock of hearing Kurt’s voice again. 

“Umm hi.” It was obvious that the boy on the other line was struggling to find the words too, maybe because he was confused as to why Blaine called.

“I uh…” He really should’ve thought about what he was going to say before actually calling. “I didn’t want to… you’re the only one I could call.” Blaine knew that he was being stupid and selfish. What could Kurt possibly do to help him? And even if he could do something then why would he?  After everything that Blaine had done.

“Why? What’s wrong?” To Blaine’s surprise, Kurt actually sounded concerned. But maybe he was just imagining things because he wanted Kurt to still feel something for him.

“I came back. From the… from…” He couldn’t say it. He wasn’t ready. He still couldn’t believe that he wasn’t there anymore. “I only know your number and I don’t know… I thought maybe you knew someone else’s number? Someone who might help me.” Blaine was surprised he was able to say all that without choking up or actually bursting into tears that he felt were collecting in the corners of his eyes.

“Where are you? Did something happen? Blaine, give me something here.” Now Blaine was sure that he wasn’t imagining Kurt’s worry because he sounded a bit panicked at the moment.

“I… no. I’m fine. I’m at the New York airport… shit. I don’t even know if you’re in New York. What was I thinking? I’m sorry Kurt, sorry for disturbing you. I’m gonna go…” Blaine didn’t get to finish what he was saying before Kurt interrupted him.

“Oh no. You don’t get to do that. Yes, I am in New York, moved here as soon as I finished school like I always wanted. Why are you here? Do you need me to get you?” Blaine couldn’t believe that Kurt was ready to drop everything for him and just come pick him up without even knowing what happened. Kurt didn’t know that much. Blaine didn’t even know if he was aware that Blaine went to the army. They broke up before he made that decision.

“I can’t ask you to do that,” Blaine whispered into the phone. He wasn’t sure he would be able to keep his composure if he saw Kurt when he could barely do it while just talking to him on the phone.

“You’re not asking, I’m offering. Now tell me the truth, Blaine. Do you need me to come get you?” Kurt asked.

“I don’t know. You don’t have to do anything for me, Kurt. Just… do you know anyone else who might…” He was cut off again.

“Blaine. Do. You. Need. Me. To. Get. You?” Kurt asked for the third time, putting emphasis on each word. Blaine let out a breathy laugh. Kurt was just as stubborn as he remembered him to be.

“Yeah. If that’s ok with you, though.” He quickly added, hearing an exasperated sigh on the other line.

“If it wasn’t ok I wouldn’t have offered, would I?” Blaine heard Kurt walk around. He heard the jingle of the keys being picked up and then the door opening.

“I suppose,” Blaine said and paused. “Thank you, Kurt.” He said, quietly.

“No problem. Wait, which airport are you in? This is New York, there are quite a few.” Blaine looked around for something that would tell him where he was.

“Umm, John F. Kennedy International Airport. I think. That’s what it says.”

“Well, that’s it then.” Blaine could hear a smile in Kurt’s voice and he was glad that Kurt didn’t seem mad or annoyed with him. “Wait for me there, I’ll be there in about half an hour. It’s quite the drive.”

“I’m sorry,” Blaine said. He didn’t want to make Kurt drive all the way here. Blaine was sure he had better things to do rather than picking up his ex-boyfriend from the airport.

“Stop that. I said it’s fine didn’t I?” Kurt reassured. “I’ll be there soon ok?”

“Thanks again, Kurt.”

“Bye, Blaine. See you soon,” was the last thing Kurt said before hanging up. Blaine stared stupidly at his phone, not believing what just happened. Kurt was on the way to pick him up. The same Kurt that he still loved with all his heart.

Blaine was snapped back to his thoughts by a male voice to his right, “Hey man, you alright?” Blaine turned to see the guy who’s phone he still held in his hand.

“Oh right, sorry.” He said, handing the phone back. “Yeah I’m fine, I think.”

“Well, I hope everything works out for you.” The guy said.

“Thank you, really.” Blaine smiled, wishing the same thing.

 ~~~

Blaine waited for more than thirty minutes for Kurt. Or maybe he was waiting at the wrong entrance. Or maybe Kurt just decided not to come.

Blaine shook his head to get rid of the last thought. Kurt was not that kind of person to just leave him here like that. He was coming. Maybe there was traffic or something?

Blaine was sitting on the bench near the main entrance of the airport. It took his quite a while to find it, this airport was huge. A lot bigger than the one in Ohio. He was looking at the giant glass doors of the airport, waiting for a certain stylish boy to walk through them. He tried desperately to come up with what he was going to say when he saw him but his mind was completely blank. He was too shocked that Kurt actually suggested to help him. Blaine didn’t even have to ask.

He froze when he heard a whispered “Blaine” from his side. It was so quiet and barely there but Blaine heard it, even over the noise of the airport. Of course he knew who it was straight away without having to look, he would recognize that voice anywhere.

Blaine slowly turned his head and blinked a couple of times when his eyes landed on a figure. Kurt. He changed a lot in the last four years. Blaine couldn’t believe his eyes. Kurt had gotten even more beautiful. Blaine didn’t think that was possible but here he was. Hair in a perfect quiff and not swept to one side like it was when Blaine saw him last. He was taller too, taller than Blaine by a few inches. His shoulders were broader, obvious that he was working out and his face more masculine. His style was also different; it was more casual than when he was in high school. He was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans and a simple purple shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, a pair of sunglasses hung on the shirt. His blue eyes were wide and shone even more than before, they shone with life, unlike Blaine’s own.

His appearance took Blaine’s breath away, and Kurt seemed just as shocked as Blaine himself. They just stood there like a pair of idiots, just looking at each other, trying to comprehend whether this was actually happening.

Kurt was the first to break the silence, “Oh my god, Blaine!” And Blaine chuckled slightly, humourlessly because he knew why Kurt was surprised. Yes, Kurt changed a lot in the past for years, but he changed for the better. But Blaine was a completely new person, the old Blaine that turned everything into a song, the Blaine that never stopped smiling and wore bow ties, was gone. He was replaced by a worse version of himself.

Of course, Kurt didn’t expect to see him in a military uniform with a sling on his right arm. With crazy, curly hair that Kurt knew he hated but gelling his hair was the last of his concerns so he just let it be. He knew that he gained more muscle, military training, and war do that to you. He was also taller than before, still pretty short but he did grow in four years. Of course, Kurt was surprised, Blaine didn’t blame him.

“Kurt.” Was all Blaine managed to get out. “You’re here. You’re actually here.” Blaine thought that two years of constant battle toughened him up at least a little bit. He was sure that they did. He didn’t cry over little things anymore like he did when he was younger but he couldn’t help it now. Only now he realised how sad it was that there was no one here for him when he came home from being away in the military for years. It was like it hit him in between the eyes that he had to call his ex-boyfriend to come pick him up and not one of his family members. He could’ve died, there was a bigger chance for him actually dying than coming back alive and relatively ok and no one was here. No one was here to celebrate his ‘homecoming’. No one except for Kurt.

He couldn’t help bowing his head and pinching the corners of his eyes with his two fingers when he felt the first tears fall. Why was Kurt even here? After what Blaine had done.

“Hey, hey what’s wrong?” Blaine heard Kurt rushing over to him. He merely shook his head, knowing he would fail if he tried to speak. “Blaine.” Kurt saying his name softly and his hand on Blaine’s good shoulder did it. It was like this was the breaking point for Blaine and let out a quiet sob. He felt Kurt’s hands on his back, pulling his towards his own body and Blaine followed willingly. Letting himself be comforted was never something that Blaine allowed but he just couldn’t help it right now. He remembered craving Kurt’s touch ever since they broke up and after four years of being depraved he was finally getting it. Blaine wrapped his good hand around Kurt, his injured one trapped between their bodies. He couldn’t believe that he was back in those arms. The arms that held and protected him when he was seventeen. He couldn’t help but feel like he belonged there, if only Kurt felt the same.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another chapter! Like and comment if you enjoyed the story so far :)

**Chapter 2**

_I am here for you, always here for you_

_When you're needing someone to hold you_

_Remember I told you_

_I am here for you, I am here for you_

_Firehouse – Here for You_

Kurt’s breath caught in his throat when he heard that voice again through the speaker of his phone, saying his name ever so softly. Four years passed. He got used to the idea of never hearing it again and he was finally alright with that. He was over him. Or so he thought.

“Blaine?” He asked in disbelief. Maybe he got it wrong, but that was highly unlikely. He knew that voice better than his own. But something seemed off. He noticed that even if Blaine only said a few words. The spark that Blaine always had when he spoke, was gone, not even leaving a trace behind. Blaine sounded tired, done, except for the edge of nervousness that made him stutter and cut off sentences and without continuing them, starting new ones.

Kurt was worried. Yes, he was angry at Blaine for calling him so suddenly after years of not even messaging him but that only lasted a few seconds before Blaine said that he didn’t have anyone else to call. What did he mean by that?

When Blaine told him that he was at the airport, Kurt immediately asked if he needed to be picked up, almost on instinct. He wanted to help, he wanted to figure out what had happened that made the Blaine he knew sound so broken.

He started moving around the room, collecting his keys, a wallet, everything he would need and then walked out the door of his apartment. He was still talking to Blaine when he got into the car, he wanted to get to the airport as quickly as he could to see Blaine. When they hung up, Kurt couldn’t help but notice that Blaine sounded close to tears on the other line and quickly started his car, finding the way to the airport as he still wasn’t that good at orienteering in New York, and he hadn’t been to the international airport in a while. He had been there once when he had to pick up Rachel when she came back from France, but what was Blaine doing there?

It was none of his business before, what Blaine was doing with his life but that doesn’t mean that he hadn’t been curious. None of the former New Directions knew what had happened to Blaine after they broke up, they just said that he disappeared one day and no one’s heard from him ever since. Of course, Kurt tried looking for him. He tried contacting his parents, his brother, his friends from the Warblers but none of them knew. They all said the same thing. Blaine was just…gone one day. And Kurt knew what they meant. After they broke up, Blaine kept constantly texting him, calling, leaving voicemails, daily. He even sent letters and gifts and when Kurt told him to stop, he didn’t listen. And then one day he did stop. Completely.

It was weird but for a while, Kurt thought that Blaine finally took the hint that Kurt wasn’t ready to forgive him yet and decided to give him some space. But when weeks passed without hearing anything, he started to get concerned and asked his friends who said that Blaine was very distant but Kurt suspected that they didn’t try to talk to him that much either, and after graduation, no one’s heard from him. Kurt didn’t know who he was angry at more, Blaine or the New Directions. Blaine couldn’t just disappear without telling anyone anything but the New Directions acted like they didn’t even care that their friend had gone somewhere without informing anyone as to where.

Kurt was looking for answers for months, years even until Rachel and Santana told him that he really should move on. He should forget Blaine and find someone else, someone that was worth it. Kurt disagreed for a while, he said that Blaine was worth it. But then he thought that why was he the one looking, searching, crying his eyes out every night when Blaine was out there somewhere, probably already forgotten about him, living a happy life. He decided that he needed to do the same. He needed to forget, to move on with his life because he wasn’t going to achieve anything by being sappy over a boy that broke his heart back when he was eighteen. He thought of things like ‘I will find someone else’, ‘he wasn’t the one’ and ‘he’s not worth it’. And eventually, he started to believe them. He knew that Baine will always have a special place in his heart but he stopped searching and busied himself with trying to achieve the dreams that he’d had ever since he’s been a little boy.

And it worked for a while. But now he’s back. Blaine is back and he needs his help with something. Something very important by the sound of it. He said that he didn’t have anyone and for a minute Kurt felt guilty for even assuming anything, maybe something happened that made Blaine isolate himself from the world but he stopped himself from getting in too deep. He didn’t know anything after all. Blaine was the one to cut everyone off, not him. He wasn’t at fault here. As the thoughts ran through his head, Kurt pressed his foot on the pedal harder in an anticipation to get to the airport to get his questions answered.

 ~~~

Kurt cursed when he realized that there was no parking available near the main entrance and he would have to park somewhere else. He ended up leaving his car quite far away and came in through another entrance. It took him quite a while to find where Blaine was.

He would recognize that heap of curls anywhere even if he’s only seen it without gel a few times. But it was the clothing that made him question if this was indeed the Blaine that he was looking for. The last thing that Kurt could imagine for Blaine to wear would be a military uniform. It couldn’t be…

“Blaine,” Kurt knew that the man heard him because he stood up almost instantly after Kurt said the name. He was surprised he was heard because the word was almost whispered. When the man turned around, Kurt went weak in the knees. Blaine, his Blaine stood right here in front of him. His uniform, though seemingly out of place, fit him so perfectly and Kurt couldn’t believe his eyes. Blaine changed so much. It was clear from just one glance at him that the boy Kurt once knew so well was gone and he would have to get to know him all over again. The beauty that he remembered that Blaine possessed was still there and it was even more prominent now. The masculinity that he had now was almost hard to believe and the pale green/gray uniform added to it. Blaine had a stubble but it wasn’t that bad and his hair was shorter than Kurt remembered and was in an uncontrollable mess on his head. He was looking directly into Kurt’s eyes

Blaine disappeared to join the army. The thought struck Kurt all at once and he took a sharp breath because this isn’t what he had expected at all. “Oh my god, Blaine!” Kurt let out and covered his mouth with his hand when he saw that Blaine was wearing a sling on his right arm as well. Kurt suddenly knew what that meant, or he supposed he did. Even though he hoped and wished that what he thought wasn’t true, it most likely was.

Kurt watched in silence as the curly haired boy in front of him broke down in tears. It was like he was trying to hide them like he was ashamed of showing emotions, but then again, Blaine was never such an open person when it came to crying, even if he thought he was.

Kurt practically ran towards Blaine and pulled him into his arms, without hesitation, after he let out a quiet sob. Kurt was being careful with hugging Blaine. He didn’t want to hurt him any more than he already was. It was hard for Kurt to keep his own tears at bay. God, he missed that boy and he cursed himself for thinking that holding him in his arms once again, four years later felt so right. He always regretted not forgiving Blaine earlier, before he disappeared, now more than ever.

Kurt thought over everything, as Blaine sobbed quietly on his shoulder. Did Blaine really return home from war and there was no one here for him, if that was it, Blaine had every right to be crying right now... Kurt felt anger welling up in his stomach, not at Blaine but at his family and so called friends. Blaine didn’t deserve this. He deserved better.

“Blaine, let’s get to the car alright?” Kurt saw the stares they were getting from some close minded people. They weren’t even a couple, they could just be best friends and this was an airport, Blaine came back from the army and all of that didn’t stop people from assuming.

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Blaine pulled away from the hug and Kurt was surprised at how quickly he pulled himself together.

“Don’t apologize for crying, Blaine.” Kurt shook his head and shoved his hands in his pocket. There was an awkward silence as they both looked at each other. It was only not that Kurt noticed just how exhausted Blaine looked. He looked like he was about to fall over even if he tried to look tough.

“Can you take me to a cheap motel or something? I don’t have much money on me.” Blaine looked down as if ashamed.

“Nonsense. You are coming with me. I live alone so that won’t be a problem.” He shrugged like it wasn’t a big of a deal. And then Blaine looked like he was about to burst into tears all over again. “Blaine, I really don’t mind that you called me ok? And I do want to help you. Tell me the truth, do you have someone to go to?” Kurt asked even though he already knew the answer. Blaine wouldn’t call him if there was someone else, anyone else to call.

“I-I Kurt…” Blaine was lost for words. It broke Kurt’s heart that he couldn’t seem to understand why Kurt was being nice to him.

“Just come with me, Blaine. I’ll do everything I can to help and if that is just letting you stay over, then it’s fine with me.” Kurt simply shrugged his shoulders to emphasize to Blaine that it really wasn’t a problem.

“No matter what you say, Kurt, I’ll find a way to repay you. Thank you so much.” Blaine said genuinely, wiping at his eyes again.

“There will be no need but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” Kurt said, “Now come on, you look exhausted.”


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

_I'll be good, I'll be good_

_And I'll love the world like I should_

_Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good_

_For all of the time_

_That I never could_

_-James Young – I’ll Be Good_

Blaine fell asleep in the first few minutes of the car ride and Kurt was thankful for that. He was glad that Blaine was finally getting some rest after god knows how long and he was also glad that he didn’t have to deal with the awkwardness. Kurt had no idea what to say to Blaine and Blaine still seemed very uncomfortable for accepting the help that Kurt was offering and that was understandable.

Kurt knew he didn’t owe Blaine anything, he didn’t have to meet Blaine at the airport, he didn’t have to offer him a place to stay, hell he didn’t even have to stay on the line after he heard Blaine’s voice but he just didn’t have it in him to hang up on Blaine, he never did. He couldn’t believe that it’s been four years since he had last seen him because he could remember the times when they were walking down the street of Lima, Ohio without a care in the world like it was just yesterday. Kurt thought that he remembered every single day that he spent with Blaine. He could remember everything that they did, everything that they talked about. And now, looking at Blaine’s sleeping face when he was supposed to be looking at the road, he remembered something else. Something that felt like a joke at the time but now, it was too real. Looking at Blaine in a military uniform, injured, possibly from a bullet, brought that memory back.

_“Kurt,” Blaine said, not looking away from the clear, star filled sky._

_“Hmm.” Kurt had his eyes closed and was just enjoying the peaceful night spent with Blaine near him. They had a picnic that lasted longer than they expected and when they saw the first star appear they decided to stay for a little longer since they have never been stargazing before._

_“Did you ever wonder what goes through people’s minds when they decide to join the army?” Kurt didn’t expect a question as such and especially not from Blaine._

_Kurt thought for a bit, “No, not really.” He answered honestly. “Why?”_

_“I don’t know. I was just wondering. People do it knowing that they can potentially get sent into combat. They know that when they sign the contract that they have no way out of it.” Kurt was now looking at Blaine, who seemed to be actually truly interested in what he was talking about. “I mean it’s not like it’s any regular job. You can’t just quit because you don’t like it. But they join anyway. Did you ever wonder why?”_

_“No, I didn’t.” Kurt never wondered about things like that. The US military force was never one of his interests. He never even thought about anything related to it until now. But Blaine seemed serious and talked about it with confidence which meant that he knew what he was talking about. “Did you?” Kurt asked, now interested in hearing what Blaine had to say._

_“Well, I guess these people want to be helpful. And not in the sense like ‘oh look, I cleaned the dishes’ kind of helpful, like actually helpful, like ‘serving your country’ kind of helpful. It’s kinda cool actually, knowing that you are fighting for your country and protecting your loved ones.” Blaine sounded like he really thought deep into the topic and Kurt wondered why it interested him so much._

Kurt was snapped back into reality when he heard a very loud car horn behind him and he realized that the light turned green and he wasn’t moving. The horn also made Blaine jump up, alert. He hissed slightly as he moved his injured arm but what surprised Kurt was that he didn’t even look sleepy after just waking up. His eyes were wide, not a trace of sleep left in them and he looked around, calming down slightly after realizing where he was. Kurt remembered that Blaine was a pretty heavy sleeper, at least before all this. He would have continued to sleep, without even stirring. But things were going to be different from now on, Kurt thought.

“Sorry,” Blaine mumbled, settling back into his seat, but not relaxing completely.

“It’s fine. But maybe you should go back to sleep. You still have about 40 minutes considering there’s traffic, not to mention how tired you looked before.” Kurt suggested, hoping that Blaine would do exactly that but was disappointed when Blaine merely shook his head.

“I can’t sleep anymore… I mean I don’t want to.” Blaine quickly corrected himself but Kurt didn’t believe him. He knew Blaine was still tired, 10 minutes of sleep didn’t do him any good. He might not know a lot or anything for that matter but he knew exactly why Blaine couldn’t go to sleep anymore. But he didn’t pressure him into anything, he didn’t know the guy sitting next to him anymore, he might’ve before, but not anymore.

Kurt thought back to the little flashback he had which made him freeze in the middle of a busy road. Why didn’t he ever think about it before? It never even crossed his mind that Blaine might genuinely want to join the US armed forces. And looking back now, he knew that he should have. If he had, he might have spent less time trying to figure out where Blaine disappeared off to when they broke up, not that it would’ve calmed him down any, it would’ve done exactly the opposite. Who wanted to suddenly find out that someone that someone they loved risked their life every single day?

When Kurt pulled up into his parking space, he pulled the keys out of his car and turned to Blaine, who by some miracle was still awake and wasn’t giving into sleep but there was no doubt that he wanted to. His eyes were droopy and he had dark bags under them. Kurt noticed now that he aged, quite a bit. Probably it was because of everything that he’d been through.

“We’re here. The apartment is kind of small but I have a couch that you can take while you’re here.” Kurt said.

“I can’t thank you enough for everything that you’ve done for me already. I can reassure you that I won’t stay long. Only a couple of nights.” Kurt smiled slightly because he recognized this side of Blaine. Being polite was something that Blaine was really good at his whole life and now Kurt knew that it hadn’t changed.

“Stop that. I told you that you can stay as long as you need. I speak from experience when I tell you that I know how hard it is to find yourself in this city. You won’t believe what I went through to get this apartment.” Kurt spoke before getting out of the car and motioning for Blaine to do the same.

He looked at Blaine, who just stood there taking everything in, looking around himself with a faraway look in his eyes. Kurt frowned a little. He saw how much Blaine had changed, it was even more prominent now. He didn’t know why, but he had an urge to help Blaine get to settle in this city and he truly wanted to figure him out. He wanted to get to know Blaine again because as hard as he tried to forget him, to get over him, he never did figure out a way to do so.

 

 


	5. Chapter 4

****

**Chapter 4**

_Now spring has brought the rain_  
But I still see your face  
And I cannot escape the past  
Creeping up inside  
Reminding me that I  
Can never bring you back

_-Mayday Parade - Memory_

 

Blaine found himself standing in front of a large apartment block when he got out of Kurt’s car. He couldn’t help but feel very out of place in his uniform and as much as he would miss it, he couldn’t wait to change out of it. It reminded him too much of the places he’s been, things that he’d seen and all he wanted to do was forget. Although he knew that it wouldn’t happen for a long time, of ever.

The apartment that Kurt lead him to, on the fifth floor of the building, was small, but not cramped. It reminded Blaine of the Hudson-Hummel house back in Ohio. The house that he’d been to so many times. The house that he thought of as a home.

He looked around and smiled to himself because everything about this place screamed Kurt. The interior design was perfect, the couch matched to the curtains and the carpet was a different color but somehow fit perfectly with everything around it. The place immediately brought Blaine the feeling of comfort and he didn’t know why. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to stay here for long, even if Kurt let him, his consciousness wouldn’t allow it. He had already barged into Kurt’s life once again; he didn’t plan on staying for long though because he knew that Kurt probably didn’t want him to.

“You can sleep on the couch. It’s pretty big but maybe a little uncomfortable.” Kurt was the first to speak, breaking the silence that came over the room.

“Thank you. I’m sure it’s fine.” Blaine didn’t even think about complaining. Kurt was being very generous and Blaine had no idea how he was going to pay him back. Kurt may say that he didn’t want anything, he was just doing everything out of the goodness of his heart and Blaine knew that, but he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he gave nothing in return. If they were still together, still the same people they were years before all this happened, Blaine wouldn’t feel so obligated but since now they were practically strangers, Blaine felt a little, no, very uncomfortable with this whole situation and that he had to put Kurt through all of his personal problems, if only he wasn’t so pathetic.

“I think you should get some sleep for now, but I do think I deserve to know what happened. I think I might have a clue what it is, looking at you now, but I’m definitely not getting the full picture.”

“No, you’re right. You do deserve to know everything but… as you said. Can I tell you everything later? I’m just… now that you mentioned it, I do feel completely exhausted. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in quite a while.” Blaine frowned, trying to remember when it actually was. He tried to remember the last peaceful night he had but all that kept coming up in his mind was the night before Kurt left for New York. It was the night when they let go of all the worries and decided to just be there with each other. After that, everything was a blur of black, blue and camouflage greens.

“Of course, yeah. Do you -do you have anything you can change into?” Kurt asked awkwardly. And Blaine scratched the back of his neck because he didn’t. He had absolutely nothing with him besides what was in his backpack, but those were just the things he kept from the army, things that became very important to him.

“I actually don’t. I’m sorry.” Blaine lost track of how many times he had said that word today. He was apologizing for almost everything but he knew that he owed it to Kurt. He seemed to be apologizing for little things but each one of his apologies held a much deeper meaning because there were so many there were so many things he had to say sorry for.

“I’ll lend you something of mine. The clothes might be a little big on you, though, you haven’t grown much.” Kurt smiled at him, trying to lighten the mood. And it worked because then, Blaine was smiling too but not for the same reason as Kurt. He wasn’t smiling because of the joke. He was smiling because it made him incredibly happy to see Kurt’s smile again. The way Kurt’s lips thinned out just a little as they stretched into a smile, corners tilting up. And the way his eyes crinkled a little at the corners and turned an even brighter color of brilliant blue. Seeing Kurt happy always made Blaine happy and by the look of things, that hadn’t change and Blaine didn’t doubt that it wouldn’t.

“Thank you.” He said at last. He said that quite a lot of times too today. But If he had to apologize to Kurt for a lot, there were a lot more things that he had to thank him for, like making him smile again when he almost forgot how to.

Kurt gave Blaine a pair of sweatpants that were a bit too long for him and a blue t-shirt. As soon as he wore the clothes, he was engulfed in the smell of Kurt. Kurt was all around him, it was like he was back in those warm, slender arms that he loved having wrapped around him. He almost wanted to cry at the feeling that just wearing Kurt’s clothes gave him. And that was because he shouldn’t be feeling like that. Blaine stared at himself in the mirror and absolutely hated what he saw. He never was the type of person that felt confident with who he was but when he met Kurt, he showed him that there was something good in him as well. Kurt gave him courage, confidence, he made him see past his insecurities. But after he was gone, after Blaine made him leave, all of Kurt’s hard work had crumbled. And now, seeing himself, he felt the same worthlessness, the feeling spread quickly and this time Kurt wasn’t here to take it away. He wasn’t here in the way that Blaine wanted him to be. He didn’t love Blaine anymore, not like Blaine loved him.

When Blaine came out of the bathroom he was ready to collapse. When he saw the couch, his heart melted. The couch had a pillow on one end and a warm looking blanket spread over it, folded at the corner, inviting Blaine to curl up under it. Kurt had already done this for him while he was washing up and changing. Blaine walked over to the couch and sat down slowly, he couldn’t remember the last time he slept and was comfortable while doing so. He slept in a sleeping bag if he was lucky. But the couch was so soft and when he lied down, he realized that it was big enough for him to stretch out his legs, being short did have its perks.

Blaine looked around and when he spotted Kurt walking out of the kitchen he was about to sit back up but stopped when Kurt put up his hand. “Go to sleep, Blaine,” was all he said and Blaine smiled slightly at him as a thank you. It was only about 3 pm but Blaine fell asleep in seconds. He would tell Kurt about everything when he woke up, no matter how hard it may turn out to be.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

_As you fade right behind my eyelids_

_I get the feeling it's so familiar_

_But I can't do a thing to stop this now_

_I can't believe this is happening to me again_

_-Get Scared – My Nightmare_

_Blaine ran. He ran like he never had before. He ran as soon as he saw Matthew’s body hit the ground. He ran towards his best mate, not caring that he could get shot at any minute. Nothing mattered anymore. All that mattered was getting to Matthew’s side._

_“Matt!” Blaine screamed, breathless as he fell on his knees beside his bloodied friend. Blood was gushing out on his chest and he took shallow, pained breaths. “Mattie, don’t you die on me. Don’t you dare.” Blaine called Matt the nickname that the soldier pretended to hate. “Stay with me. Don’t go to sleep!” He said, panicked when he saw Matt’s eyes begin to droop and his breathing became even shallower._

_“Bl-Blaine…” Matt choked out and Blaine noticed how his teeth had blood on them too, which meant internal bleeding, which was very, very bad. “Promise me something…”_

_“No! Don’t say goodbye, not now. I need you. I need you to help me get through this hell. You promised me! You promised you would! You don’t get to leave me, not now, not ever.” The tears on Blaine’s face mixed with the dirt and the blood but he didn’t care. All he cared about was Matthew and how his hands were now completely covered with his blood and how he spoke with such difficulty and how his every breath looked like it would be his last._

_“Blaine!” He raised his voice slightly with the remainder of the energy that he had left. That got the attention of his friend and he looked into his eyes, “promise me that- that you will make it to the end of this war an-and live the rest of your life like you deserve.” Blaine let out a sob at his best friend’s words. “You have to promise me you will find that boy of yours that you won’t shut up about and live a happy life.” It was obvious that with every word Matt became weaker and it got harder and harder to speak but he pushed through it because there was more that he wanted to say to Blaine. “Be careful, don’t make the same mistake that I did and walk out when guns are blazing.” Matt made a humorless joke, “and I have to ask you something.” Matt reaches into a side pocket of his uniform and with a shaking hand takes out a piece of paper, it’s bent like it’s been in his pocket for quite a while now and slightly dirty. “Please Blaine, please give this to my wife. Because I believe in you. You will make it through this.” Blaine sobbed even harder because this was a true honest goodbye. Matthew was sure he was going to die._

_“Of course I will,” Blaine said through the tears, looking around if there was anyone there that could help him._

_“I hope everything works out for you, Blaine. I’m sorry.” And with that Matthew’s eyes closed and he slumped in Blaine’s arms, lifeless._

_“No,” Blaine said calmly at first, mind still not able to process what had just happened. “NO! Somebody help me!” Blaine screamed. “Matt! Please no! I can’t do this without you!” Blaine felt hands on him, pulling him away from the body of his friend but he didn’t understand what was happening. All that was running through his head was ‘Matt is dead’ over and over again. He gave up, in the end, slumping into the arms of the other person, still crying and shaking violently with the force of his sobs, clutching the paper given to him by Matt and promising in his mind that he will do what Matt asked him to._

Blaine felt like somebody was shaking him and through his sleep fogged mind, he thought that somebody was calling his name so he shot up straight, looking around for danger but d in seeing nothing. His eyes landed on Kurt’s face and he sighed in relief. “You were having a nightmare,” Kurt explained, moving away from Blaine after making sure that he was ok.

“Sorry about that,” Blaine said wiping at his eyes after realizing that tears were escaping them. “I’m fine now.” He tried to reassure but Kurt didn’t look convinced at all.

“No. You’re not, Blaine. You were tossing and turning and crying in your sleep. That’s not normal, something is obviously distressing you.” Kurt said. “You only slept for two hours.”

“Well, I don’t think that I’m going to be able to sleep anymore.” Blaine shuddered and felt his heart fill with dread when he remembered the nightmare. “Wait, I need to check something,” Blaine said and jumped off the couch and went to his bag that was leaning on the other side of it. He opened it with some difficulty because he wasn’t used to only using one hand, especially his left hand for everyday tasks like this. He went through a stack of papers and felt the weight lift off his shoulders when his eyes landed on one in particular. The one that Matt gave him. Blaine’s eyes filled with tears again when he saw a stain of Matt’s blood on the page that he left when he took it from Matt’s shaking hand. He could still see the picture in his head. Matthew laying on the ground, the stain of deep red getting bigger and bigger in his uniform, looking almost black on the camouflage green. And then he saw himself sitting beside the figure and doing everything in his power to stop it from flowing.

.

Kurt had never seen anyone this restless in their sleep. Even before Blaine showed any signs of having a nightmare, he still stirred at the slightest move made by Kurt. But then he started moaning as in pain and mattering a name “Matt” over and over again. And when Kurt came closer he saw that Blaine’s cheeks glistened with tears and he was moving constantly, uninjured hand clutching the blanket.

Just when Kurt touched his shoulder, shook him once and called his name, Blaine was awake and looking around, vigilantly. It was like he was expected to be attacked. But he went from being in an alert and panicked mode to acting like he was fine in seconds.

Kurt was surprised when Blaine leaped off the couch and went to his bag. Out of a stack of old looking papers, he pulled out one and stared at it with a very faraway look in his eyes. Blaine was in another place and when his breathing started to get labored, Kurt knew something was wrong.

“Blaine, are you ok?” Blaine didn’t react. He was still sitting on his knees, hand gripping the page, crumpling it slightly but Kurt grabbed his hand before he could do any more damage to it. It seemed like it was important to Blaine and he would be upset that he ruined it when he came back to himself. Blaine jumped at Kurt’s touch but his breathing didn’t slow down. He was letting out shuddering breaths and shaking his head as if trying to get rid of a thought or an image that was in his mind.

“Blaine you need to calm down,” Kurt said seriously, taking Blaine’s hand in his own after prying the paper out of its before he crumpled it completely and putting it to the side. Kurt squeezed the hand to bring the man’s attention back to him before he started talking again. “Breathe with me alright?” Kurt waited until he got a slight nod in return. He was relieved that Blaine wasn’t completely inside his own mind and was able to focus on what Kurt was telling him. Kurt knew what was happening and he knew how to deal with it. Blaine was having a panic attack. Kurt has had a fair share of those back when he was in high school and before Blaine came into the picture, there was no one to help him through them because he didn’t trust anyone enough to even tell them about his problem. But Kurt remembered Blaine’s arms around him and the whispered reminders that told him to “just breathe” and how much they helped. He learned how to control them with Blaine’s help, stopped having them because of Blaine and now he just had to return the favor.

“That’s it.” He encouraged gently when he saw that Blaine’s breathing was slowly but steadily returning to normal. Blaine was coming back to himself, pushing the memories that brought him to this state to the back of his mind and coming back to reality that was much more pleasant. Kurt wanted to know what caused this but he knew better than to ask. He didn’t want to make Blaine feel worse or cause another attack but he was curious. He was curious about a lot of things that had to do with Blaine.

They sat there for a long moment until Blaine calmed down completely and opened his eyes to look at Kurt. Realizing that he was still holding Blaine’s hand he quickly snatched his own away, regretting the action because it made Blaine recoil too. The silence was awkward and Kurt mumbled something about getting Blaine some water before walking to the kitchen, glad that he was able to escape.

While pouring the water into the cup he thought about the last four hours. Everything that happened from the completely unexpected phone call to this exact minute. He never expected to ever see Blaine again and he came to terms with that so now he was confused. He was confused because he thought Blaine had moved on and was living his own life. He thought that Blaine moved, maybe even to New York, and was in a university studying music but this was not the lifestyle that he expected Blaine would choose.

Kurt flinched and nearly dropped the cup into the sink when he felt something cold on his hand. He realized that he zoned out and the water spilled over the edge of the cup and onto his skin. He was quick to turn off the water and pour some out so the cup wasn’t filled to the top and took a deep breath, preparing to go back into the living room.

Blaine was sitting on the couch once again, angrily trying to open something that looked like a bottle of pills but failing to do so as his hand slipped every time he tried to turn the lid. “Need a little help with that?” Kurt asked, walking over to Blaine’s side and sitting beside Blaine, but not too close to make things awkward again.

“Yes please.” Blaine handed over the small bottle. “I must’ve jarred my shoulder in my sleep or something. Realized only now that it hurt like a bitch.” He explained. He watched as Kurt set the cup on the table and easily twisted the lid off the bottle. Blaine hated how he needed help with the simplest tasks. He felt helpless.

“How many do you need?” Kurt asked. He knew that Blaine was never the one who liked taking pills or admitting that he was in pain so it must really hurt if he was so open about it. And Kurt had noticed how Blaine gritted his teeth and squinted his eyes like he usually did when he was hurt, and he noticed how Blaine’s right shoulder and arm were stiff and tensed from the pain. It really did look like it hurt like a bitch even if Blaine did try to act tough.

“They said one… or two if it really hurt.” Blaine mumbled, not really answering Kurt’s question.

“So… one or two?” Kurt looked at him, waiting for an answer.

“Two.”

Kurt winced as he thought of how much it had to hurt and proceeded to shake three small white pills into the palm of his hand and handing them to Blaine. Immediately, Blaine tilted his head back and popped the pills into his mouth, taking the cup that was passed to him by Kurt so he could wash them down, making a face at the bitter taste.

“Thanks,” Blaine said in a raspy voice and passed the cup back to Kurt who dismissively placed it on the coffee table once again.

“Do you want to go back to sleep or…?” Kurt knew that Blaine knew what he was suggesting. He didn’t want to push him into anything but he was way too curious for his own good and he did think that he at least deserved to know why Blaine was in the state that he was in and had nowhere to go besides his ex-boyfriend.

“I don’t think I can sleep anymore. So I guess I should tell you why I’m here.”


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_All these thoughts locked inside_

_Now you're the first to know_

_-It Ends Tonight – The All-American Rejects_

Blaine looked like he really didn’t want to do this and Kurt found himself saying, “You don’t have to do this now.”

“No. Like you said you deserve to know. You’ve been nothing but kind to me even if you have no reason to be so this is the least I can do,” Blaine said sadly, never meeting Kurt’s eyes as he spoke. Kurt didn’t say anything and Blaine continued, “Well after I- you-…” Blaine struggles to get the words out. “After we broke up, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was devastated for months on end. I was practically a zombie, not doing anything, not achieving anything. I quit most of the clubs and my grades suffered. New Directions weren’t acknowledging my existence. I uh… I felt completely alone and useless.” Blaine looked uncomfortable admitting this and Kurt wanted to reach out and put a hand on his shoulder but he didn’t know if Blaine would find that comforting so he held back.

“So as soon as I graduated, I joined the army. I actually wanted to do that ever since I was young. I felt like I needed to do this for myself, I can’t really explain why. I know I wanted to be a performer or whatever but this was something that was very important to me and so left and didn’t look back. I needed to make use of myself and this was the best way I could come up with.”

“Hey,” Kurt said gently seeing the struggle, “You don’t have to explain yourself to me ok? You did it because you had to, I get it. I might not get why but I don’t need to. The most important part is that you do.” Blaine couldn’t get how one person can be so understanding. He smiled at Kurt who gave an encouraging one back so he took a deep breath and prepared to continue.

“I fit the requirements and since I was 18 I was considered an adult and was able to make my own decisions. I started training and let me tell you, it is nothing like what I was expecting.” Blaine chuckled lightly. “It was hard… but never once did I regret it. That was the only place I didn’t feel completely useless.” Blaine paused, staring off into nothingness, preparing for the hardest part. He tried to form sentences in his head, tried to think of the best way to tell Kurt about it but his own mind was still trying to process it.

“And then…” He said after a minute and thanked Kurt for his patience. “And then they sent me into combat…” That was all that needed to be said, Kurt gasped even though he already knew that this was what happened. He realized what happened from the moment that his eyes caught Blaine at the airport, it wasn’t hard to guess. But actually hearing it come out of Blaine’s mouth made it even more real, even for Blaine himself. Kurt decided that he needed to say something or ask something because Blaine seemed to be having a hard time with coming up with the words.

“Where did they send you?” He asked carefully, making sure that he wasn’t crossing the line with anything. It seemed like a simple harmless question but he didn’t know Blaine’s way of thinking. He didn’t know anything but that is exactly the reason he was asking. He wanted to get to know Blaine again if he was going to be staying at his place.

“Iraq. They sent countless of people there, including me. At least two years of training is required before you can be sent out into the battlefield. I had just under two...” Blaine was now speaking in a monotone. Completely emotionless, eyes not as expressive as Kurt remembered them, in fact, they were completely blank.

“Does that mean that you’ve been in combat for…”

“Two years.” Blaine finished for him. Kurt’s breath hitched. Two years of war. Blaine has been through two years of constant battle. Kurt didn’t know how he made it through that, as he himself wouldn’t even last a day. He would burst into tears when he saw a dead body and he would definitely never be able to kill. He shuddered at the thought of pointing a gun at a person, the thought made him sick. But even if he thought like that, he felt respect for Blaine. He respected him for giving himself up like that, knowing that there was no guarantee that he was going to make it back alive and well. And now he was looking at Blaine’s limp, injured hand with a horrified expression.

Blaine noticed him looking and shifted under his gaze, “I got shot but I was lucky that it was right before they had to withdraw troops. The problem was that the bullet hit my nerve system and they had to discharge me since I may never get full use of my arm again. Who needs a soldier that can’t even hold a gun, huh?” Blaine looked so devastated that this time, Kurt couldn’t help bush reach out and place a hand on his left shoulder. Blaine jumped a little, unexpectedly but relaxed when he saw Kurt’s sympathetic eyes staring at him.

“You’ve always been like that. I guess that hadn’t changed.” Kurt smiled sadly and shook his head as he remembered them being in the same situation but very different circumstances. “Do you remember when you lost your voice for a few days due to a very bad cold?” Blaine nodded slightly, not really getting where Kurt was going with this. “Well, I remember telling you this. You are more than just your voice, Blaine.” Blaine smiled now too, now understanding why Kurt made that reference. “Yes, I know this is completely different but somehow it’s not… because you are more than this. You are more than your abilities as a soldier. There is so much more you can do, that you can achieve. It doesn’t end here.”

“Well, did I tell you back then about how good you are at encouraging and giving very useful advice?”

“Not really, no.” Blaine frowned at the answer. “You couldn’t speak so you wrote it down.” Kurt laughed at his own joke, Blaine joining in.

It was a nice break, just laughing with Kurt. He needed it for a long time now. But the moment lasted only a few seconds before the atmosphere in the room turned serious again and Blaine knew that he had to continue with this story. He had to tell Kurt about the most important part. He had to tell him about why he was the one that Blaine called.

“Kurt,” Blaine said to get the other man’s attention once again. “I truly had no one else to call.” He didn’t know why he said it. Did he want Kurt to feel bad for him? No. Pity was the last thing that he wanted. Perhaps he just wanted Kurt to know he didn’t have any expectation, he wanted Kurt to know that he called him because he really was in need of help. And he was.

“I hadn’t contacted my parents ever since I left home four years ago. Let’s just say they didn’t approve of my decision to join the army either…” Blaine said bitterly. He didn’t understand his father. A very small part of why he even joined was because he wanted to make his father proud. He wanted to show him that he was a “real man” despite his sexual orientation but it didn’t do anything to change his opinion about Blaine. So, he decided that enough was enough and stopped trying to keep in contact, not that they protested much. “And Cooper… well, I have no idea where Coop is. I told him. But I don’t think he took me seriously. I don’t look or act the type to join the army do I? And we never had the best relationship with his being so much older so...”

“I know that he cares a whole lot about you, Blaine. He is still your brother and I know that he still loves you. I met him, remember? He tried to do everything to fix your relationship. As for your parents… I always knew they definitely don’t deserve a reward for good parenting and I think they made a huge mistake by letting you go like that. It’s their loss. And I see where you’re going with this and for the hundredth time, Blaine, I don’t mind you staying here. Look at it like I’m repaying you for every time that you helped me.” Kurt knew that he said something wrong when he saw Blaine’s frown deepen.

“You don’t owe me anything. I was the one who owed you something even before I left. Still, do.” Blaine smiled sadly at Kurt.

“I know very well what you are talking about and let me tell you something. I forgave you. A long time ago.” At Kurt’s words, Blaine felt the weight lift off his shoulders. He was still worried that Kurt was mad at him. They were both adults but what Blaine did wasn’t that easy to forgive.

“Thank you.”

Kurt shrugged as if it was nothing. “Can I ask you one more question?” Blaine nodded

“Umm… who’s Matt?”


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_Look oh look around, you're lost_

_But never found, no_

_Six feet below the ground,_

_Where you avoid your problems_

_-Get Scared -Cynical Skin_

Blaine didn’t react well to the question and Kurt immediately knew that he shouldn’t have asked. What was he thinking asking Blaine about someone that he saw in a nightmare that made him cry? Blaine flinched and looked away from Kurt.

“I don’t- I don’t want…” Stuttering, trying to say at least something that would give Kurt a clue that he physically couldn’t talk about it. Not yet…maybe he never will be. He actually had those moments before quite a few times. It’s like he had something in his mind, something that he wanted to say but the words wouldn’t come out and he was opening and closing his mouth like a fish.

“Hey, hey, hey. I’m sorry I asked, I shouldn’t have. You know how curious I can be.” Kurt rushed to say after realizing his mistake.

“I- sor-…” Blaine’s cheeks heated up at the frustration and the embarrassment he was feeling at not even being able to say two words. He closed his eye and tried to take deep breaths but behind his closed eyelids he could see the image of dead bodies, and that included Matthew.

“Blaine. Don’t you dare have another panic attack on me.” Kurt had obvious worry in his voice. Blaine forces himself to take deep breaths, he remembered doing the same for Kurt. “You don’t have to speak if it’s hard. I’m not forcing you to tell me anything. I think that’s enough talking for today anyways.” Just ask Kurt said that his phone buzzed in his pocket.

Kurt took it out and read the message, eyes widening in the process. “Oh shit! I was supposed to meet Aiden at 5:30 today!” Kurt jumped up from the couch. “I’m sorry I have to go. You can do anything, watch TV, read books, take anything from the fridge too. Make yourself at home.” Kurt ran around the room collecting his keys, wallet and other things that he may need and just as he put on his shoes and was about to walk out the door Blaine called his name.

“Yes?” Kurt asked, rushed. He was already late.

“Who is Aiden is you don’t mind me asking.”

Kurt looked at the ground for a second before meeting Blaine’s eyes. “He’s my boyfriend.” He said simply before walking out the door without another word or glance.

OOO

What was he thinking? Of course, Kurt had a boyfriend… Any guy would want to be with him, well any gay guy… that had a brain and a pair of eyes. What’s there not to love about Kurt? He is loving and compassionate, sweet and caring, and his attitude made it all better and balanced it out. Not to mention just how painstakingly beautiful he was.

Blaine sighed sadly because even if Kurt didn’t already have a boyfriend, he knew Kurt would never make the same mistake of dating him again. He did is once, and got his heart broken. Blaine knew Kurt loved him and he loved the man too but apparently, that wasn’t enough and he stomped all over Kurt’s heart by sleeping with someone else. He knew that he was making the biggest mistake of his life because Kurt was the best thing that ever happened to him but that didn’t stop him. That night would never be worth losing Kurt, nothing would be but there was no taking it back because all of his apologies failed so he stopped trying and decided to let Kurt go and find someone better, and apparently he did.

No matter how happy Blaine was for Kurt, or at least tried to be, he couldn’t feel this overwhelming jealousy for this Aiden guy and maybe even a little bit of anger for an unknown reason. He had his chance and he blew it and no matter how much he wanted another one he knew he wasn’t going to get it. And he also knew that he was nowhere near deserving of one. He had no right to be jealous.

 OOO

Kurt walked from his “date” with Aiden, angry and annoyed. He was half an hour late and he gave a valid reason as to why. He said that his friend unexpectedly called him and asked to pick him up from the airport. Of course, he didn’t mention that this “friend” was, in fact, his ex-boyfriend but he did tell him that he will be staying with him for a while which Aiden was also not very happy with. The one thing that Kurt didn’t like about Aiden was that he was quick to jump to conclusions and make assumptions. He could also be a bit of a drama queen and make a scene out of practically nothing. But these were the things he could tolerate because there was a lot more of good to Aiden than there were bad and that was what he loved.

Kurt needed to take his mind off Aiden for a while and decided that this wasn’t a bad time to call his father and tell him about the last few hours. He just needed to rant.

“Hey, kiddo.” Kurt rolled his eyes fondly at the nickname, he was a 23-year-old man and his dad still called him by his childhood nickname. “Finally remembered about your old man I see.”

“Oh shush, dad. We spoke yesterday,” Kurt knew Burt was joking but he still clarified.

“Is there a particular reason why you are calling? Or just checking up?”

“Actually…” He stretched out the word, “There is something and it is something that you will never guess what it is.” Kurt knew how impatient his dad could be at times and so he liked doing these things just to annoy him.

“What is it, Kurt?” Burt sounded worried and curious at the same time.

“Blaine is in my apartment right now.” Kurt lowered his voice.

“Blaine?” Now Burt sounded surprised. “As is The Blaine? Anderson? Kurt, what happened?”

“Calm down ok? I’ll explain everything. Yes, it is Blaine. As in my ex-boyfriend Blaine. As in Anderson.”

“Why?” It was a simple enough question but Kurt struggled to find the answer for a second. Why was Blaine at his apartment right now?

He settled on, “He said that I’m the only one that he could call.”

“Kurt, kiddo. You gotta give me more information than that. What did he mean by that?”

“I really think he means it; I know that he would never call me if he did have someone else. He- he came from war, dad.” Kurt practically whispered the last part, not knowing if Burt could even hear that.

“What!?” But apparently, he could. “What do you mean war, Kurt? What happened?” Burt pressed on, trying to get his son to tell him something that will at least give him some idea as to what’s going on in his son’s complicated life.

“I had to pick him up from the airport. He was wearing a military uniform.” The topic for some reason brought tears to Kurt’s eyes and he could hear his voice start to weaver, “and then he told me- he told me that he joined the army after we- after we broke up. And that he had to get two years of training and then he was sent into combat, dad. For two years.” Kurt angrily wiped a tear from his cheek, just thinking about it made him want to bust out crying, he couldn’t even imagine how Blaine must be feeling.

“Damn… I know this kid always liked to make his life harder than it needs to be but I never expected him to do something like that.” It was like Burt was talking to himself rather than Kurt. “What else did he tell you? Is he- is he alright?” Burt asked cautiously. He could hear that his son was already upset and he didn’t want to add to that.

“No,” Kurt answered immediately and Burt cursed silently. “He’s far from it. He has a badly injured shoulder, he said- he said that he got shot. And that he might never get full mobility of his arm again. His right arm.” Burt was listening to what Kurt was telling him in horror but somehow he knew that this wasn’t all. “But I feel like that isn’t the worst part. He- he looked exhausted when I first saw him so I told him to go to sleep on the couch when we got home. But he had a nightmare that I had to wake him up from. He was crying, dad. The nightmare was bad enough to cause a panic attack.” Kurt stopped speaking, not able to say anymore.

“Kurt, you gotta understand that whatever Blaine has been through is enough to cause severe psychological damage. I may not be an expert at this but I know quite a bit because I had a friend who went to war. I remember how messed up he was after a few months of being in Afghanistan. He couldn’t get a few words out without stuttering especially if someone mentioned something that reminded him of his experiences…” Kurt remembered the way Blaine struggled to form simple words after he mentioned this guy named Matt, “And he was always on edge, it was like he was always ready to be attacked.” Kurt remembered the way Blaine shot up in the car, alert, looking around for any danger.

“Dad, that sounds like Blaine. I already started noticing these things and it’s only been a few hours. Wait… you said you had a friend. Had? What happened to him?” Kurt hoped with everything he had that they had just lost touch or something.

“He uh, he killed himself a few months after that.” Burt knew there was not a better way of saying that and he also knew that this was not what Kurt needed to hear but he couldn’t not tell him. He heard Kurt’s sharp intake of breath and his footsteps quicken. “If Blaine is at your apartment then why aren’t you there?”

“I had a date with Aiden.”

“You could cancel.” Burt was never really a fan of this Aiden guy Kurt was dating but he also thought that this was more important than some date.

“I feel like the date was only half of why I went. I felt like I couldn’t be there with him anymore, dad, I needed to get out.” Kurt tried to explain.

“Kurt, I think you did a very good thing by giving him a place to stay, I’m glad you acted like an adult you are and didn’t bring up old… problems. But I want you to understand something. This is much more serious than you realize. If you are willing to help him then you need to find out everything, get him to open up to you, but don’t push too hard. It really sounds like Blaine needs someone who cares and as much as you may try to deny it, I know you still do. What Blaine and you had…” Burt had to stop himself from saying ‘have’, “it doesn’t just go away no matter how much time had passed.”

“Of course I care I just…” Kurt sighed sadly, “I just don’t know what to do, dad. I don’t know what to say to him. What if he has another nightmare or panic attack or-”

“Kurt, Blaine had been through a traumatic experience, a very traumatic one that is. I hope you’re not expecting him to get over it with the snap of his fingers…”

“No, no, I’m just saying that-” Burt cut Kurt off again.

“I know, Kurt. Just be there for him ok?”

“Yeah, I will, thanks, dad.” They said their goodbyes and hung up. This is far from the first time Kurt was thankful for his father and it definitely wouldn’t be the last. His dad seemed to have advice for anything and everything. That is why whenever Kurt had any problem his go-to person would always be his father always his father.

Kurt didn’t even realize that he had reached his house while talking to his dad on the phone. He stood in front of the door to the apartment, just staring, preparing himself to face Blaine again. He tried to think of something to say when he saw Blaine but he couldn’t.

But then he thought of his father’s words. He just needed to be there for him. Blaine needed someone that cared and he was going to be that someone because he truly cared. He was always there for his friends. This wasn’t any different, except, it kind of was.


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might have already noticed there is a lot of Blangst in this story and I will continue finding new ways of torturing Blaine in almost every chapter because I'm a sadistic human being. 
> 
> So there will be a lot of panic attacks, crying, physical, emotional pain thrust upon Blaine and Kurt...
> 
> I'm half sorry.
> 
> Trigger warnings: panic/anxiety attacks

**Chapter 8**

_This is the memory_

_This is the curse of having_

_Too much time to think about it_

_It's killing me_

_-Mayday Parade – Memory_

“Do you think you can help me find my brother?” Blaine asked the next day while they were eating breakfast. Kurt had work today so it was pretty early in the morning but Blaine woke up anyways, he wasn’t sure if he slept at all during the night. “I have no idea where he is…”

“If you want to find him, of course, I’ll help you. We can ask around if anyone has his phone number.” Kurt said after he finished chewing his pancake. Blaine found out that Kurt still loved cooking and just like four years ago, he was damn good at it too. Blaine was enjoying this way more than he should because he hadn’t had a proper home cooked meal in forever. Yesterday they just had sandwiches because Kurt wasn’t bothered to cook anything and Blaine didn’t mind but this was heavenly.

“I want to at least try to find him. Maybe he wouldn’t mind me staying with him, I don’t want to burden you any longer than necessary.” Blaine bowed his head to his plate pushing his food around the plate with his fork, he suddenly wasn’t that hungry anymore with the guilt of being a nuisance to Kurt.

Kurt sighed, putting his knife and fork down before turning to face Blaine, “How many times do I have to tell you that you aren’t a burden? I promised that I will help you and I will do anything in my power to do so.” Blaine smiled shyly at Kurt. “Now I have to go and when I come back we’ll find your brother.”

Kurt stood up from the table and took Blaine’s empty plate. “I can…” Blaine started to offer but frowned when he remembered his arm. He still had trouble getting used to it and sometimes forgot about it before agonizing pain or inability to do most tasks reminded him.

“Even if you could I probably wouldn’t let you.” Kurt shrugged. “Now I’m really running late so I’ll wash it when I get home. Remember, you can do anything you want. This is your home too for the time being.”

Blaine walked out with Kurt and watched him put on his shoes and get ready to go. He watched Kurt a lot, trying not to be too obvious and make Kurt uncomfortable. He was trying to get to know the boy, or the man now, again.

Kurt wore a white long sleeved button up with a gray vest and dark pants. He really looked like a gentleman, like he belonged in this city. He watched as with a wave of his hand Kurt walked out the door and went to do nothing for the rest of the day and wait for Kurt to come back.

OOO

Blaine really didn’t do anything today. Nothing productive. But it’s not because he was being lazy, it was because he honestly didn’t know what to do. And even if he did he wasn’t comfortable using Kurt’s things, he didn’t want to invade his privacy.

He settled on watching TV, he needed to catch up on the news and on the new shows, celebrity gossip and everything else that happened while he was away. He didn’t get much time to do that in the army and definitely none in war, that was the least of his concerns. He looked at the clock and it was already 5. That meant two things, Kurt would be home soon and the news would be starting. He changed the channel to the one where he knew the news were on from some stupid cartoon show he was watching for no reason. He told himself it was because nothing else was on because he didn’t want to admit that it was actually kind of entertaining.

Blaine shook his head at the news. Someone was stabbed in New York today, a child was kidnapped, another was raped and killed, some other political news that Blaine had no interest in so he stopped paying attention. Just as he was about to change the channel back to the cartoon his finger froze just as it was about to press the button. “Three-quarters of Americans had supported the decision to withdraw the US military troops from Iraq and so the operation was followed through. Thousands of men lost their lives while fighting…” The woman’s voice faded out and Blaine couldn’t hear her anymore.

_“Blaine run!” Blaine followed the command and took off toward the trench, stumbling and falling in the process. Other soldiers had to grab him and pull him into it and right after he hit the ground in the trench, he heard an explosion above him which sounded so close that it made Blaine’s heart drop to his chest._

Blaine clutched his chest, trying to stop his heart from beating so fast. He could feel it thump against his ribcage and it was almost as bad as when he was lying in that trench covering his ears along with the soldiers that pulled him in.

_Blaine took his chance and peeked out from the trench to see what was happening. The gunshots had quieted down and now could only be heard in the distance. But it turned out that if somebody stopped shooting that didn’t mean that they went away completely. And Blaine could see a gun pointing straight at his forehead and ducked right before it went off, leaning against the wall of the trench as he breathed heavily. He saw other soldiers in his trench looking at him, looking almost as shocked as he did. “Fuck,” he swore. Sweat was running into his eyes but he didn’t care because he was sure he felt the breeze of a bullet flying past his head, missing him by centimeters._

Blaine’s hand moved to grip at his hair where the bullet almost hit him and shut his eyes, it was like he was reliving the times he almost lost his life because of his stupidity and there were quite a few. The woman saying something about ‘war’ and ‘soldiers’ and ‘death’ really wasn’t helping him any.

OOO

Kurt parked his car and walked to the front door of his apartment. He could hear the muffled sounds of the TV through the thin walls. But this isn’t what made him rush to clumsily open the door. He heard gasps like someone was struggling for air and he suspected what might have happened.

Kurt pushed the door open and looked to see what had happened. He saw Blaine sitting on the couch, hand clutching at his hair, struggling for breath. He ran over to help and while doing that he looked for what might have triggered the attack. And when he looked at the TV he got it. Blaine was watching the news and of course, it was just his luck that the news about Iraq came on. He snatched the remote off the couch and pressed the red ‘off’ button before turning back to the panicking boy.

“Blaine. Look at me. You’re not there anymore. You’re here with me.” This was worse than Kurt anticipated. It was Blaine’s second panic attack since he had gotten here and it’s been less than two days. It seemed like everything that reminded Blaine of war triggered a negative response and this time unlike the last, it was harder to get his attention. It was like he was having a flashback of some sort and Kurt cursed the news lady even though it wasn’t her fault that she was doing her job and letting the world know what had happened.

Blaine jerked up when Kurt touched him on the arm. Kurt wondered if he was even aware that Kurt was here with him. He stared at Kurt with wide blown eyes, his lips were parted as he struggled to take one deep breath. Somehow Kurt managed to pry Blaine’s death grip from his hair without ripping any out. He pressed Blaine’s palm against his own chest before he could make a fist with his hand again. “Copy my breathing.” It was a set dead instruction and he hoped that Blaine would follow it. He started taking deep breaths and it seemed like Blaine was even subconsciously trying to do the same. He was, however, doing a much worse job than Kurt and failing quite a few times before finally taking an actual breath.

“How many times are you going to scare me like this huh?” Kurt joked after making bringing Blaine back and helping him calm down. Blaine didn’t seem to appreciate the joke and looked like he was about to apologize again but Kurt cut him off. “If you say you’re sorry one more time I’m actually going to kick you out. It was a joke, I don’t mind helping you and you need to realize that. I’m just worried. This was your second panic attack, Blaine. It this- has this happened before?” He asked cautiously and moved to sit on the couch because his knees started hurting from sitting on the floor too long.

“I told you why I was discharged right?”

“Because of your arm,” Kurt answered, curious as to where Blaine was going with this.

“That’s only half the reason.” Blaine paused before continuing to speak. “I was diagnosed with… with severe PTSD.” Blaine hung his head low as if ashamed to admit it and Kurt gaped at him.

“Why are you ashamed of that? Blaine, I’m sorry to remind you of this but I feel like it’s necessary. You have been through WAR. Something that people literally call ‘hell on earth’ and you are embarrassed by being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?” Kurt didn’t understand Blaine at times and this one of these times.

“You think I don’t know that, Kurt. I’ve been there, I’ve _seen_ things, I’ve- I’ve _done_ things that you won’t see in your worst nightmares but-” Blaine stopped mid-sentence.

“But what Blaine?”

“But so have they. So have the other thousands of people with me and a lot of them were fine. They were happy to be back and somehow brushed what happened to them off their shoulders like it didn’t even happen. I don’t understand them but I kinda wish I did.”

“You always did this.” Blaine looked at Kurt, confused. “You compared yourself to others. And I always told you to stop. Stop comparing your experiences to other people’s. From the little you told me about war, it terrified me. I can’t believe how it must’ve felt for you. I would like to understand more but only when you are ready to tell me. PTSD is nothing to be ashamed of, especially in your situation.” Kurt tried to sound as sincere as he could to make Blaine believe him and was relieved when he saw a small smile on his face.

“I really don’t think you want to know the details, Kurt. And you’re right, I don’t think I can talk about it yet if a freaking news report leaves me in this state.”

“And that’s fine. And of course I want to know, I might not like what I hear but I’ve always been way too curious for my own good. And I also think that you have to talk to someone because keeping everything inside will just make it worse. You can’t deal with it on your own and I want you to know that I- that I am here for you. I want you to know that you can come to me anytime.”

“Thank you. I don’t know where I would be now it wasn't for you.” Something in the way Blaine looked at him with those warm hazel eyes made butterflies fill Kurt’s stomach, the feeling was so familiar but Kurt couldn’t quite get why.

“Oh stop it.” Kurt flushed red. “Do you want to try calling people to try to find your brother?” He changed the subject.

“I don’t know…” Blaine started to fiddle with his hands. He looked like he thought about it today and now he wasn’t as sure as he was in the morning.

“We can do it tomorrow... it might take a while and it’s been quite a day for both of us. I don’t know about you but I’m exhausted. So it’s dinner and bed for me.” Kurt yawned to prove his point. “And I’m not bothered cooking so… pizza or Chinese?” It was quiet for a few seconds before both boys burst out laughing. Blaine remembered how many time Kurt had said that back when they were dating. Back then he thought that he ate so much of pizza and Chinese that it will last him for the rest of his life but now he couldn’t believe how much he wanted either of these but…

“I think pizza,” Blaine said.

“As you wish.” Kurt reached into a pocket of his bag that was sitting beside him on the couch and pulled out his phone but paused before calling, “Hawaiian?” Kurt raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Some things just don’t change, Kurt.” Blaine leaned back against the couch with a smile on his face and watched as Kurt wrinkled his nose, adorably he might add.

“I don’t understand how your mutated taste buds like pineapple on pizza.”

“I’m guessing you want pepperoni?”

Kurt looked at Blaine like he’d lost his mind, “Of course I want pepperoni.”

When the pizza came they decided to watch a movie. It was a nice change in Blaine’s life. Just sitting there eating pizza and laughing with Kurt at the funny scenes. He always loved Kurt’s laugh, it sounded musical but at the same time, it was better than any song that he’s ever listened to. He was watching Kurt most of the time, looking away whenever blue eyed boy caught him.

But all good things must come to an end and when the movie finished and all the pizza was devoured, Kurt headed off to bed because he had work the next morning. When Blaine was done getting ready for bed, brushing his teeth with the toothbrush Kurt gave him and put on another shirt with sweatpants, also from Kurt. Blaine couldn’t believe how huge Kurt’s heart was that he was doing all of this for him without complaining and actually seeming like he wanted to be doing it.

Blaine flopped down onto the couch that he had only left to go to the kitchen and the bathroom in the last two days and sighed. He rested his head on the pillow and stared into the darkness, prepared for yet another sleepless night.


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

_You're my all and more_

_All I know you taught me, yeah_

_You're my all and more_

_But I need room to breathe, yeah_

_-Lauv -Breathe_

“Of course. Yeah. No, no I don’t mind at all. I actually haven't been there in a while and I really want coffee.” Blaine had been awake for a long time before Kurt and now he was lying on the couch and listening to him walking around the house, getting ready for work while talking on the phone. It was obvious that he was trying to be as quiet as possible because he thought that Blaine was still sleeping, only talking while he was in the kitchen or in his room and quietening down when in the living room.

  
“Plus we don’t get to hang out as much now with your job and everything. I missed you.” Blaine squeezed his eyes shut when he realized who Kurt was talking to. It was Aiden. Kurt’s boyfriend. Blaine felt a painful pang in his heart as he listened to Kurt’s breathy laughs and remembered the times when he was the one to make Kurt laugh like that. He hated the fact that someone else was doing in instead of him.

  
“See you soon, honey. Love you too.” That hit hard and Blaine could actually feel a lump growing in his throat but he tried to angrily swallow it down because he didn’t get to feel like that. He was the one to blame for their break up, he was the one to leave later without telling Kurt… and Kurt was looking, looking for him and Blaine didn’t even know it. He didn’t deserve Kurt.

  
He decided that there was no use in just lying there, eavesdropping on Kurt’s conversations so he slowly sat up just in time for Kurt to come out of the kitchen. Blaine hated sleeping for a number of reasons. One being that sleeping for him didn’t actually involve much sleeping at all and when he did drift off he was roughly awoken by nightmares and flashbacks and when that happened he usually twisted and turned which didn’t do much good to his shoulder so, in the morning, it was agony.

  
In the years Blaine learned how to hide his pain but this was something that was hard to hide because it felt worse than it did when he actually got shot. It was like somebody was pushing their finger into the gun wound and ripping the flesh around it. His whole arm hurt and ached right to the fingertips that also tingled unpleasantly. He tried to take his meds as rarely as possible because he was running out and he didn’t have the money to get a refill. He would never ask Kurt of it because he excepted too much already. And the problem was that when it started hurting, it didn’t pass until the drugs actually kicked in and numbed his whole body, weakening him and practically turning him into a character from the walking dead. The doctors told him to sleep after he took his meds because his body needed time to heal and sleeping was the best way to accomplish that but it wasn’t an option because he would wake up in pain again, and this time not only physical. So every time he pushed through the tiredness and enjoyed the painless time while he had it.

  
And now he needed meds, maybe he should just drown the whole bottle. He wondered if it would kill him or just knock him out for a few hours. He thought of how nice it would be to not think of anything, to not have any dreams. But he wasn’t going to try because he didn’t survive was for nothing, he didn’t do it just to come back and overdose on medication.

  
“Blaine I got your meds.” He heard Kurt’s voice nest to him and realized that he was just sitting there thinking about medication but not actually making a move to go get it. He looked at Kurt with the most thankful expression he could master through the pain and reached out to Kurt’s extended hand in which he held the pills taking all the offered three because he knew that two wouldn’t numb it enough.

  
Kurt sat beside him on the couch as they both waited for the pain to pass which didn’t take long as these were very strong and expensive, drugs. They did their job well.

  
“Are you hungry? I made scrambled eggs. It’s probably better if you eat, I don’t think these pills are good to take on an empty stomach.” Kurt broke the silence when he saw Blaine’s muscles relax.

  
Blaine knew Kurt was right because those were the doctor’s orders as well but he couldn’t even think about food at the moment because he felt sick from the nightmare that he had right before the morning. It was the same one but this time, Blaine died alongside Matt.

  
Blaine shook his head, “No, thanks. I think I’ll eat a bit later. I don’t feel very well.” He needed to give Kurt a reason of why he wasn’t hungry otherwise he knew that Kurt wouldn’t get off his back so he just decided to tell the truth. Kurt showed concern but didn’t press further for what Blaine was thankful. He lied back down and stared at the black screen of the TV, thinking that he should probably turn it on but the remote was on the table that he wouldn’t be able to reach so he settled on watching and memorizing Kurt’s morning routine.

OOO

Kurt was in a great mood when he came home from work. He had a great time in the morning at Starbucks drinking coffee with Aiden. They talked things out, Aiden let Kurt explain everything and said that he understood why Kurt had to help him. Kurt was really thankful for his understanding boyfriend. He was thankful for Aiden.

  
Everything was going great with his job at Vogue. His project was almost finished, he just needed one more sketch for another design and then he was done. Everything was going as planned and his boss was proud of him for doing such a great job. He was glad that he decided to stay at Vogue and make it his full-time job. He loved music with everything he had bur he always had a much stronger pull towards the fashion industry. He was also thankful for his amazing job.

  
And when he came home he was thankful to see that Blaine was alright. He laughed when he opened the door to the view of Blaine watching a cartoon, cuddled up in a blanket with an empty bowl from ice cream on the table. He didn’t look like a traumatized soldier but instead, he looked like a child, droopy eyed after his nap. The sight made Kurt feel happier than it should have but it was nice to know that he had someone to come home to. And when Blaine turned to him and smiled goofily, Kurt’s heart made a leap, which felt like something that Kurt hasn't felt in a very long time so he couldn’t quite place it.

  
“You’re such a child.” Kurt smiled back at him. “Is that Adventure Time? I hate that cartoon.”  
“I don’t know. It was on so I decided to watch it. Why hate on it? It’s not THAT bad. I actually kind of like it…” Blaine shrugged and looked back to the TV.

  
“Of course you do.”

  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Blaine asked mock offended.

  
“Nothing…” Kurt said innocently, stretching out the word and walked past Blaine to his room to get changed.

  
“You’re mean, Kurt!” he heard the curly haired boy shout from the living room and laughed to himself. At this minute Blaine didn’t remind him of a man but actually a five-year-old boy. He didn’t want to admit that it was kind of cute because that would be inappropriate considering that he had a boyfriend and that Blaine was his ex-boyfriend.

  
When he came back out Blaine was sitting with a serious expression, unlike about ten minutes ago. “I guess we need to start calling people.” He mumbled.

  
“Yeah, we should do that. But let me tell you one thing… If you think that I’m doing it just to get rid of you and ‘hand you over” to your brother, you’re wrong. I’m happy for you to be here.” Kurt was relieved to see some tension drain out of Blaine’s body. “So who do you think might have Cooper’s number?”

  
Blaine thought for a bit, they both knew who definitely had his number but there was no way Blaine himself would suggest calling them. He would never call the people who practically threw him out of their life. “I definitely know that Wes had his number but… I don’t know Wes’s number either. I kinda don’t have a phone on me anymore, I had to ask some guy at the airport if I can borrow his to call you.” Blaine explained.

  
“Did you know that I continued talking to Nick after we broke up? I still have his number.” Kurt admitted.

  
“Why? I thought you stopped talking to all the Warblers…”

  
“Well, I haven't,” Kurt stated as a matter of fact. “He was a cool guy and I did need someone to keep me informed about you.” Kurt refused to meet Blaine’s eyes when he told him all that. “I knew that you were never as close with the New Directions as you were with the guys from the Warblers so I decided to turn Nick into my ‘spy’ if you must.”

  
“You decided that if you’re a terrible spy that you needed someone to work for you?” Blaine made fun of Kurt.

  
“Shut up, Blaine.” Kurt ‘s cheeks turned red. He would never forget how they met on that staircase and it was all because he WAS a terrible spy. “It turned out that Nick wasn’t much better because one day he just told me that you disappeared. He didn’t give me any information besides the fact that there was no trace of you after graduation.”

“I didn’t tell anyone,” Blaine said simply. 

  
“Why though? A lot of people were worried for you.” Kurt genuinely wanted to know the cause behind Blaine’s actions.

  
“Because I didn’t think that someone would have been worried. It seemed like no one did when I was there in there in the first place so why would they if I left?” The phrase broke Kurt’s heart. Blaine went to the army thinking that no one cared about him.

  
“Of course people cared. I’m sure they still do. What about Coop? The Warblers? Me?” Kurt’s voice became quiet by the end when he got to himself. Didn’t Blaine think that he cared for him? Didn’t Blaine know that he loved him?

  
“No, Kurt. I didn’t think that you would care… Why would you? I hurt you. Badly.”

  
“Of course I cared. I looked for you for months. I didn’t know what to think because just disappearing like that was so unlike you. Yes, I was hurt but that didn’t mean that I didn’t care about you anymore. What we had didn’t go away after what you did, it took time. And a lot of it.” Kurt looked so sad when he spoke, still not looking at Blaine because he thought that he, might break down crying when he thought of the sleepless nights and the countless phone calls that he’s made when he was he was searching for the man he loved, the man that he forgave.

  
And Blaine’s heart broke all over again when Kurt he noticed that Kurt used past tense for everything. How he said “had” instead of “have”. And what Blaine heard behind his words is that if he didn’t give up, if he didn’t stop calling when he did, he might’ve gotten a second chance. If he called when he was leaving he would have spared Kurt the worry of not knowing where he was but at the same time, he would have inflicted him with the worry of actually knowing. As guilty as he was for not informing Kurt of where he was going he was kind of relieved that he hadn’t. If he had done it, Kurt wouldn’t have let go of the past and wouldn’t have met Aiden. He wouldn’t have need happy.

  
Blaine felt very conflicted.

  
“I’m not sorry that I haven’t told you.” Blaine decided at the end and rushed to explain when he saw Kurt’s shocked eyes. “If I had then what kind of person would that have made me? I let you go, Kurt. And looks like I did the right thing because you made a life here. A life that doesn’t involve me and I’m glad. I’m glad that you could move on.” Blaine had to stop himself from saying “unlike me” at the end of the sentence. They sat in silence for a while, both of them lost in their own thoughts and even though they were thinking about the same thing they didn’t speak about it.

  
And the end it was Kurt who broke the silence and decided to change the topic before things got awkward again, “So, should we let the operation TSFCP begin?”

  
“The what?” Blaine let out an amused laugh.

  
“The Search for Cooper Anderson of course… and there I thought you were brighter than that, Blaine.” Kurt clicked his tongue at Blaine in mock disappointment.

  
“I suppose we should.” 

 


End file.
